I am a woman who is tormented by ambiguity and indescision. I see most situations from all perspectives, so much so that it makes it hard to come down on one point of view and claim it as my own. The world is not black and white, it is only shades of mulled grays, with just a few sparks of bright white and dashes of ominous blackness to round out the edges.
This affliction is what keeps me swinging between every potential decision, every possible outcome, and running through every different scenario in my mind until I am frozen into inaction. While I claim to like this part of my personality because I like to say it makes me worldly, concious, and perceptive, I really hate it for the havok it likes to wreak in my own life.
As you all know, this job indescion is a great example of my seesawing opinions: should I, or shouldn’t I? Sometimes I just get so fed up with myself I feel like I should just start flipping coins, reading tarot cards, or hiring a professional decision-maker to take care of these issues (is that a job? because I seriously would like one of those…)
However, every now and then I have one of those moments when my seesawing, aiming to see all sides of the story, comes to a halt, and I am able to put my foot down firmly on the rock of my opinion.
Tonight was one of those nights.
My boyfriend was complaining I came home too late from being at dinner with my friends, saying it wasn’t “nice” – really I think he just was pissed because we had a bit of miscommunication and he spent forty minutes waiting for me at the wrong apartment. But he was huffing and puffing and hemming and hawing and finally he said, “I don’t want you to stay out like that again.”
Now, usually when he gets all macho and demanding (which is always a cover for an always unrelated issue, I might add…oh the joy of boys!), I – in very tasteful response – flair up with high strung emotions, tears, and empty threats. I can’t help myself, I am impulsive, usually frustrated by his juvinial methods of dealing with issues, and am really good at always feeling repressed (even when I am really very much not). Fights ensue over stupid issues, we each play our pre-planned part, and it ends days later in a draw.
However tonight, instead of slipping into pouty tear-eyed “You are always trying to control me!” I just simply said, “No.”
Very calm, very steady, very in control. “No. Sorry, I think you should reexamine this issue and you will see that I have done nothing offensive here. If you can outline where you see the issue occurring and why then I will certainly take a look at it, but until you prove to me I acted badly I can’t agree with you.”
He was obviously a little flustered by my composed reaction, especially when he said he might not come over after soccer (as he usually does) as if that would make me upset. “OK,” I said, “It would be nice if you came back, but if you decide to stay at your house just call me and let me know you’re OK. Have fun. kiss kiss.”
And off he drove to sort out my uncharacteristic reaction.
The thing is, I am flexible, I am considerate, and I am willing to bend a bit for the comfort of my partner. But there is only so far you can flex, only so much you can concede, and only so much you can give before you hit your wall of decision.
It made me realize that as much as I go back and forth and wrestle with different outcomes and potential issues, when it comes time to put up for what is important to me, I do it – and effortlessly. (and also unexpectedly).
I am fully prepared for tomorrow morning when I wake up with the same old indecisions, because I know that, when it comes time to really put my money where my mouth is, I will be able to do it confidently, calmly, and with certainty.
And that is a good feeling: no two ways about it.
