Last week, I came across Evan Hadkin’s awesome post An Introvert’s Authenticity in which he discussed being an introvert in an extrovert’s world. The post is fabulous, and I recommend you check it out if you haven’t already, but it sparked a question that I’ve never considered before: can you be selectively authentic?
As I was commenting on the post, discussing how I have been consciously working to overcome my sensitivity to disapproval, I realized that perhaps my endeavors are inauthentic. After all, if I am naturally really sensitive to the disapproval of others (and from my parents’ account I have been since I was a toddler), then that must be an authentic part of who I am. Therefore, any endeavor to change that element of myself instead of embracing it would be inauthentic – exactly the opposite of my life goal to be authentic.
But on the other hand, my fear of doing something that will earn me disapproval is at times downright silly and unnecessary and has in the past hindered my ability to make decisions even on small things without some one’s approval. My boyfriend has even made fun of me for the fact I can’t choose what to have for dinner without someone giving me the “OK.” So just accepting this part of who I am and embracing it is actually compromising my ability to be authentic in other areas of my life, leading me to think it is right for me to work on it and improve it.
Bringing me back to the original question: can elements of who you are be selectively authentic? How can one part of me – my outgoing nature, for example – which I’ve had all my life be something I consider authentic to me, yet something else which has been with me all my life – fear of disappointing others – be considered something that needs to be overcome, thereby being labeled as “inauthentic.”
See the philosophical quandary?
If, on the one hand, I rule that I can decide what is authentic about me, is that really authentic at all?
However, on the other hand, I believe it is my responsibility to be the best version of myself I can be and hone my skills (the strong and the weak) to their maximum use. If I accept my weakness to be weak in the name of authenticity, is that sacrificing my potential in the name of authenticity?
I would love to hear your thoughts on this subject – I believe absolutely in being authentic, but when it comes to our natural weaknesses (or, if you prefer, less strong elements of our personality), can you pick and choose what is really authentic to you?
Here’s to your Uncommon life,
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Twitter: evanhadkins
I’ll be interested to see what people think. It’s a very interesting area I think.
A couple of years ago, I read a sentence in Dawna Markova’s book “I Will Not Die an Unlived Life” — Markova wrote, “We are what we choose to be.”
At the time, I was working through what authenticity means to me — how can I be authentic and still do what I need to do to get along in the world? Especially the work world — where I’ve never felt “at home” the way I do in the arts or in the outdoors or with animals.
But I was also looking at the people around me — good examples and bad examples — and I began to realize that it’s not merely a matter of personality traits (MBTI) or level of sensitivity (“The Highly Sensitive Person” by Elaine Aron) or learning style (“The Open Mind” by Dawna Markova) … the other half of the equation is what we CHOOSE to do with what we’ve been given.
For example, my high sensitivity is part of who I am; denying it or trying to change it would be inauthentic. But how I choose to act and behave and live my life — as a highly sensitive person — is still my choice. I can view it as a gift — or as a burden. I can hide away from the world because it’s so overwhelming — or I can find ways to deal with the onslaught of physical, intellectual, and emotional stimuli so that I can live a full, expansive, creative life.
One of the key words in my life lately has been “balance.” Not “balance” in the sense of trying to reach and maintain a sense of stasis … but “balance” as a constant, dynamic process of continually making adjustments and adaptations — without ever losing my sense of self or my authenticity. I will continually get pushed “off center” by the pressures of life … but I am learning, more and more, how to “return to center” — what that “center” is, what it looks like and feels like, and how to find my way back to it.
I will never be “perfect” at maintaining my mental, emotional, physical, creative, and spiritual health — all of which are essential to my sense of self and living authentically — but I am continually learning how to improve my self-care.